Sometimes things stop me in my tracks. I spend a while mulling such things over. This mulling and consideration often does not lead to a conclusion. Perhaps the conclusion is not important. Perhaps it's this very mulling which is the essence,the seed,the embryo. What it develops into ... Perhaps just thoughts thrown on the wind.
I think I used to be more judgemental than I am now. I had that wonderful confidence that youth brings. That shining light that leads you to wave banners on student protests.
That stroppines that leads you into minor or even major disagreements with your parents.
That arrogance that when you start a new job, it let's you believe you are the one who knows how it should be done.
I remember moaning to my Mum one day when I was quite grown up. I was going over old issues about sibling rivalry. I was pretending to be totally grown up and understanding about the situation. In reality I was trying to score a point. An old point. An unimportant point. A point that should have been laid to rest years before. I was the only person it was bothering.
My Mum looked at me and very calmly said " maybe that is how you remember it,but that's not how it was !"
It was said without malice,anger or even frustration just gently. I thought about this for ages and will never forget those words.
It's not just about memories it's about perceptions. I remember crying to someone many years ago about a very important issue. My tears and obvious distress were totally unheeded. I still feel that hardness of attitude unkind. I drove away crying. But I came to realise I could not win that battle because I thought I was in the right. I was in my right but not hers. Her right was completely different. We were looking at the same thing but with completely opposite perspectives.
So, where is this rambling leading. I had the most wonderful response to my last post about my moment of "fame!" But there amongst the comments was one from an anonymous follower. It went like this.
"You are a wonderful person Linda,it shines through and you certainly don't look your age. I have read your blog for a long time but never had the guts to comment. I think that you must be a wonderful Mum,Nan,Wife but most of all,you as a person. My parents chose to live in a different country ten years ago.I am married with two boys aged 7 and11. I miss having family near and often question their choice. I feel sad for you,with William living in Dubai. He is so lucky to have you both as Grandparents.You reach out to people,even on a page.The blog you wrote about stopping the well dressed lady,who looked sad and you told her,that she looked lovely.Well that made me cry.The world needs more people like you. We all carry things around with us,that we don't tell people about.We put a brave face on and smile,there are also times,that you want someone to see through it and show compassion.Your that type of person. Sorry to go on. X"
I wish I could contact this lovely person. I have thought about her words a great deal. She obviously misses her parents so much. I think it easy,well fairly easy to babble on here at Chalky's but yet she is worried to comment. I hope she does again soon. I hope there is someone who sees her need for a gentle hug. We all need those so much.
And then this morning I was reading this lovely blog
I have been a follower of Leanne since she first started her blog and I love the way she writes. She makes me laugh, she makes me chuckle, she makes me feel better. I think about her when she is on the bottom of one of her beautiful waves in St. Ives. I just love the way she tells it just as it is. She has ups, downs and all arounds. But her honesty always shows through.
This morning there was an anonymous comment on her latest post.
Anonymous22 March 2014 05:51
so nice to see honesty in the blog world - so often the apparent perfection of everyone else's life leaves me feeling very inadequate. I've been feeling bit like you, and someone recommended mindfulness in a frantic world (available on amazon quite cheaply but get the proper book as it has a cd of mindfulness exercises attached, which the kindle doesn't). oh, and try and find some sun as vitamin d helps...hope you feel better soon but be gentle with yourself in the meantime
I have thought about this comment all day. I totally understand her sentiments about blogging. I rarely open up and tell it just as it is. This is not so much of an issue about my life these days as getting older has its definite rewards ... Not so much angst, not so much to worry about, not such a hectic lifestyle. Getting older brings a certain amount of anonymity in this judgemental world of ours. No one really notices if my hair,nails,make up etc are on trend!
But, blogging is about thoughts. How often do we put a brave face on it? How often do we fail to see someone else needing a hug? How often do we perceive that things are amazing?
I glibly put a sharing poster about Cancer on my Facebook page once. I agreed with the sentiments but I did not think about it deeply. I soon changed my perceptions when an old college friend wrote to tell me he was battling a long and non successful fight with that horrible disease.
The balance between choosing to blog about all the good things in our lives without realising it could make someone feel inadequate, and choosing to perhaps bare our soul a little is a hard one. Not only can you feel inadequate by some of the stunning blogs out there in Blogland, sometimes you can feel downright envious. But that is a challenge I hit head on. Envy and jealousy are horrible feelings so I just count my lucky stars a few more times before I drift off to sleep and as I awake each morning. This acknowledgment by actually counting and mindfully thinking about all the good things I have has helped my personal developement so much in recent years. I might admire things, tons of things. Admiring is different than coveting. A want is so very different than a need.
I hope to be in the blogging world for a long time. It has come to mean a lot to me, as have the the lovely virtual friends I have made,and am continuing to make. They are special because they are able and brave enough to let me see a little way past their beautiful photos and a little way into their hearts.
Oh, and Leanne this photo is for you. With love.